hello and salam. 
it has been A WHILE. a lot has happened in these 2 years (i want to pitch in the word "amazing", but truthfully, it wasn't quite as spectacular as i wished it to be). the year has just turned 2024 and through the motivation of a special person, i am moved to write about this particular topic.
so here i go, bismillah.
dearest nina,
these past years have been a lot. i don't know where you are (or where you might be) but i know that you will look back and see how far you've come. from all of the things that have occurred these years, i, for one can deduce a recurring theme that, without fail, has always emerged, which is "love". hence today, we will be looking together through the memory lane, discussing what love is and is not for us-- to this point. maybe as you and i grow up, our definitions of love will change following the differences of stages we go through in life but all in all, we must start our journey somewhere... right?
i think out of all love(s) that we have experienced, the most prominent love that we were able to "feel" is allah's love. sometimes overlooked, if i can glance through each and every difficulty that we were able to go through, i think to myself, "allah has been extremely kind to me, every step of the way". in the times i felt very suffocated and low, allah sent many people along my way to comfort me. every. single. time. whenever i feel like there's no way out, there are always signs to show me that there is. every time i feel like dying, it's always a surprise that i manage to go through day by day, looking back and being able to say, "wow... i did all that?" and for this, i thank you allah. for every strength, every care, every love that were bestowed upon me, i thank you for building my character, for injecting resillience in me and for showing me that everything is possible within Your power. alhamdulillah.
i love, love, love platonically. all the friendships i have forged have taught me one very special lesson that i must hold on to, that i am not alone. for the times i have offered my hand, my ear, my attention, my time, my energy, my effort, there will always be the times i receive them back. maybe not in the same way, but they are there. some friendship bonds were created and strengthened, some were cut off and pushed away. i think the times i cut off precious bonds- those were the toughest times i have had in my life. i thought maybe if i cut them off, i have "given up" on love. maybe i was deprived of it, maybe it was an act of "un"loving them, that maybe i have stopped loving them as my close friends. as time progresses, i see that maybe... it is an act of loving myself. to give myself space, collect... me. that i must love myself more so that i can give more of my love to my friends. maybe.
i also love my family. they mean the world to me. ayah and mummy taught me that as you grow older, your circle of people who are worthy of your love gets smaller, and that's okay! that means, the love that you spend on these people are truly the precious ones, that they are definitely worthy of every ounce of love that you will give them. abang taught me that love is boundless, eventhough what i think differs from others, i can still love them as how i love other people. danish and diniy taught me that love can be manifested in many ways, i.e. playing games together, cutting their hair, eating together, watching movies together, goofying around in public together. i am also allowed to be vulnerable with them, and they will accept me for who i am. not what i have to offer, but just me, a sister who loves them.
next, romantic love. boy oh boy, it was a heck of a roller coaster. i have had many people showing interest, but only a few bold ones who dared to take the first step. frankly, this type of love has not been in my cards (or at least, i think that i don't put it as a priority in my life), but it comes when i least expect it. for 2 years, i was showered with this love, showing me in many ways how i can be appreciated and cared for. even then, i felt so very bad with myself. i was hesitant most of the time because i thought that i don't have what it takes to be loved. i thought i had to "earn" to be loved. i thought i was constantly a burden, that my demands were too big to be fulfilled and that i should just be grateful, nod and accept whatever comes in my way without questioning anything. maybe that's why i always get confused; i hold on to every bits of pieces of love i experience even if it hurts me.
love comes in many forms then. maybe i hold on to the difficult love(s) because i am scared. maybe i feel like difficult people should be loved. especially those who come into my life, there must be a reason, right? but as i go through life, i realised that maybe... it's not just me. it's not even my responsibility. i can only give my best and if it's too difficult, maybe it's time for me to let go. maybe if it's hurting me, burdening me, making me doubt and doubt and doubt, maybe it's time i take a step back to protect... me. for a while i thought, maybe i was not cut off for this love. as i was pondering that, another door opens, showing me how easy this love is. that there should not be doubt, that i can actually choose the love i let into my life. this is honestly, a fairly new territory for me to discover. i hope you, future nina, your way is eased and you can unlock the potential of this love you're experiencing, insya-Allah.
most of all, love comes within me. even if else fails, that does not mean my capacity to love has become less. i have always had it within me, to love as selflessly as i can. maybe this self has worn out as it has been beaten, bullied and stomped on countless times, but the capacity to love is still there. like a worn out shirt, an old car, a damaged clock, maybe with proper rejuvenation and repair, they can still work. i can still love, if i take some time to myself, to pause and reflect. to choose, to lose, to have, to be, to embody. i cannot love others fully if i fail to love myself to the fullest. hence maybe, that's what i wish to do more this year; to love myself... better. i hope i can love myself more, insya-Allah.
thank you for always trying your best to love me, future nina. i love you, in all the versions of you.
till then.
with love, nina.
