kisas : my journey as a pkb. (part 1)

hello and salam. 

i feel like writing something today because i have some time to spend before i have a lot of exams and assignments to attend to. i have the motivation but then- i think, hahah what to write eh what to write. i asked amal (my friend), what to write and then she said,

"write on something you really don't want to forget."

that's really general, you see. i have a lot of memories i don't want to forget, especially right now. however, i looked back and i got sad- mainly because i've gone through a lot of experiences and it seems right now, i am gradually forgetting everything. besides going to university and experiencing a whole new life, i feel like my experiences at my former school contain the extremes of both happy and sad memories, maybe it triggered my fight-or-flight response to forget everything and start over, i also don't know. however, i wish i could remember vividly, hopefully by writing this entry. 

my journey as a pkb...

11th of February 2019, i had a lot of doubts the day prior. 

"am i doing the right thing?"

"i've never been to sekolah agama (religious school) before."

"what if i do this wrong?"

but then- no use to continue on doubting. my clothes were already packed as well as all the food and the essentials, i was preparing myself to go to war hahahah. it was my first time entering a boarding school, kinda cool but kinda nerve-wracking. i didn't feel so sad leaving home because i was used to go to camps and late staying-backs in my former school so all in all, i kinda was in boarding school already.

i was in jess (jalan empat secondary school) before i got the opportunity to go to kisas alias sasic (sultan alam shah islamic college). jess was an excellent school, don't get me wrong, but they only offer science stream when continuing the upper secondary school phase and if you know me, science is not my strongest pursuit (though i kinda messed up- i'm continuing to study in human sciences in university now- oops. i guess, my actual weakness was in the natural science field (?)). so i tried my luck to apply for kisas, and alhamdulillah i got it! it was really sad to leave my friends, seniors and teachers from the school i cherish so much, no doubt about it.

i am a sentimental person, i carried this box during my years in kisas, without fail... 

this box contains all of the letters i've received, from jess to kisas. they carried me through my worst days in kisas. I CHERISH THEM ALL, ya allah i swear :')

but like i honestly thought i cannot get into kisas. truthfully, i guess the stream i had enrolled myself into (agama ikhtisas, where you learn economy, accounts and basic science as your elective subjects) is not really favoured by both students and parents alike. people always think you need to enroll in pure science stream to be successful but i'd think that's not the case. it depends truly on your passion- if you are going towards becoming somebody professional in natural science fields, like becoming a doctor or engineer, then go ahead enroll in the pure science stream. but if you don't and you'd prefer to learn something else, i'd say agama ikhtisas or having economy and accounts as your elective subjects is the best bet. after all, a lot of my friends who enrolled in pure science end up studying about accounts and economy at the end of the day, so just continue your journey-- regardless how society deems of you.

to continue, i got into kisas in the morning that day, yay! i felt kinda silly because everyone has their luggage bags, i only have my ikea bags hahahaahah (according to my parents : function over fashion, it would be easier to carry these items in big ikea bags rather than worrying about your luggage bags being lost. and you can fold the ikea bags too - saving space right?) i first meet kak ainin, my college sister (or CS, the person who would accompany me to the dormitory and help me with the registration). then i met kak madiha, my senior from jess who moved to kisas - i was kinda shocked to be honest to see how the culture there is very very different from jess, how the girls communicate with the boys and maintain their ikhtilat (kak madiha called her male peers "muslimin" and she looked to the other way to avoid eye contact while talking to them). it was-- weird because i was not used to that.

anywho, i moved into my new bedroom - a big dorm title F21, registered, bid farewell to my parents and settled in. being an extrovert, i guess i got anxious being alone so i bribed my dormmates to become my friends HAHAHA it was so funny i swear-- i offered mint candies because i love mints! so i got some friends, i met iffatul who originated from kedah which was cool, i never thought i could meet with people from all around the world. and nashiheen being from sarawak, it was a whole new exposure for me. one advice i might add to boarding school first timers- write everything. i have a notebook dedicated to that, just writings about what my day looked like and what i was feeling at that time. looking back, it was a rollercoaster, sometimes i felt excited and looking forward to do everything, other times i feel like i was dying, not being able to continue. cherish every.single.thing.

this is during one of my parents' first visitations. (i miss that bottle, i lost it unfortunately...)

okay let's fast forward a bit.

1-  i knew then in the girls' dormitory there was a lot of weird rules. kak madiha said to be patient and follow them without question because there were always justifications to the rules established. (for example, we were not allowed to make any noise in the dining hall including the chairs, the plates- or else our house marks would be deducted). 

i did not let it bother me that much because as time went by i learnt that it's a sign of respect for everyone else who was eating, besides maintaining peace inside the dining hall. i think it's cool, because sometimes after class, you just want some peace and you go to the dining hall to relax and wind down.

2-  i learnt about the technicalities of becoming a part of a batch. usually in my former school, we differentiate students based on the colours of their name tags- no specific names for a batch. we usually call the students by what year they were enrolling in. but then in kisas, the batch spirit is what i see all the time. we have programmes at night sometimes with the whole school and i can see how close my seniors are with each other. i admire that so much- one of the pearls i found in kisas, there are always "jamaah" (groups of people with the same goal and mindset). 

3-  we went through mjk (minggu jalinan kasih), basically orientation week. it was really fun, filled with games and meeting new people - even people i was acquainted with, i get to know them better. i also spoke out (i felt like exploding HAHAHA), i talked in english in front of everyone and it was cool. then i auditioned and got picked to represent the school for wsc (world scholar's cup)- which was shocking because it was so fast. but alhamdulillah we got through it and got some medals.

alright now, the juicy part.

my whole form 4 journey is filled with the phrase "i didn't think i would..." because SERIOUSLY, i didn't think i would be chosen to become a pkb. what is a pkb? my friend- i learnt a lot of new jargon and terms when entering kisas and it was-- hoho. very overwhelming to grasp. so essentially, pkb is penolong ketua batch, in english "assistant batch leader", so kinda like the vice head of the batch. it was shocking really-- i didn't think i was capable to handle such a position. during mjk, they elected yasmin to become the temporary assistant batch leader, sort of. but then we had an election to choose somebody else to become the pkb. i had to give my manifesto.

first of all-- WHY MY FRIEND, DID YOU CALL OUT MY NAME? 

second-- i was not confident. originating from a not-so-religious school, i didn't think i would get the position because when i saw the other candidates, i immediately engraved the thought of never getting on par with them.

i don't remember much about my manifesto; but one thing i remember stating is :

"[translated in english] i believe that our biah (environment) is sort of similar to a garden and our tarbiyah (development) is like the trees inside it. i know we were constantly warned about our batch being the destroyer of the tarbiyah in kisas specifically, i strongly believe that instead of destroying our garden, we can work together to plant more colourful trees and make our garden prosper in the future insya-Allah. choose me and i'll try to lead as best as i can."

i thought- hm. that is what i would do if i become the pkb. okay let's put that behind us. until...

"alright, your pkb this year is amanina hussaini."

then i went blank. shoot- now what? what do i do? i- i- i- was joking guys. NNOO- there was no turning back at that moment. i had to accept it and just think about what i would execute later. being an overthinker, it was really difficult to cope with the fact you are the image of your batch. one wrong step would kill you and you're constantly walking on a mine field every single day. i am glad i have iffatul by my side as my deputy vice head or we call it here, tpkb (timbalan penolong ketua batch).

after that, i met with a lot of seniors discussing about what i should emphasise on when organising meetings with my batch. then a lot of complaints about my batch came in. a lot of problems to look into. a lot of people in my batch was targetted as "problematic students". initially, i didn't think they were that problematic but- i guess they have different standards in religious schools on how to behave and so on. i tried to not say anything and just keep them in view. sometimes, dakwah is made without words- sure some people are problematic, but i believe that people become problematic because of their environment and the people surrounding them. so i just accompany them, try to become their friends, a place they could confide in and just being there, really.

from that fateful day, i was the pkb.

weird.

i learnt a lot though, to be honest- and i don't regret it. i'd like to talk more about what i did as a pkb- but let's keep it for part 2.

till then.

with love, nina.