a conflict within.

 

hello and salam. 

i've been promising to myself, "okay nina, you're going to write something in this blog", but i guess, time happened and i got busy with the university admission and trying to be acquainted with the new environment of lessons and assignments. 

i guess, i'm just going to write here when i feel like it, if you don't mind.

these days, i've been feeling quite negative, which is not a really good emotion to dwell yourself on. you know that, "no matter what, i'm going to conquer today and nobody will stop me! *cue the evil laugh*" but then it begins to plummet. sort of like a ball being thrown in the air and then it quickly falls down to the floor. or like a rollercoaster, that funny feeling in your stomach when you're at the peak as you anticipate yourself falling down fast. yeah, that funny feeling. it doesn't translate well in real life, you get confused a lot and at the end, you feel angry at yourself for being confused (?)

honestly, i think one of the factors i've been feeling sucky is getting into university. though i can't deny it, going into university was definitely exciting. it was like going into a new, magical world. i keep on thinking, "finally, i get to learn about the things i'm passionate in, finally." but of course, not everything happy or cheerful or positive stays the same. everything in the world has its own downsides - as you would say, the balance of things must be maintained.

and in this sunken ship, i had a lot of conflicts with myself. it's like being separated into two personas, one extremely bubbly and good, and one feels like it's going to rip your head apart with its sarcasm and negativity. it's tiring really, to be in a continuous love-hate relationship with yourself, and at times, you don't know which side you are on. both are still, well- YOU.

have you ever felt guilty for feeling that you are better than everyone, but you don't want to feel this in the first place?

have you ever felt angry with yourself for feeling certain emotions, which you feel like it's inappropriate to feel at that time?

have you ever felt disappointed with yourself, over-reacting in situations that you supposedly should be composed and calm in?

have you ever felt sad, as to why you're here, overthinking about everything?

just to be transparent, i'm quite a perfectionist. sometimes, i care too much in certain situations that i shouldn't be caring about in this first place. most of the time, it's about me, but like- me being a piece of trash. i criticise myself too much, constantly feeling like i should've done better, i should be better, i should react better. although i spoke about this to my peers a lot, i fluctuate a lot too. sometimes i feel empowered,

YES YOU ARE RIGHT MADAME I CAN BE BETTER, LIFE IS A PROGRESS AND I SHOULD CHERISH EVERY MOMENT WHILE LEARNING FROM MY MISTAKES.

...2 seconds later, i'm in my black hole. again.

it's really tiring hahaha, really. if you feel like this, i just want to say that, it's normal. as you see from the sentence above, life is a progress, and well- progress can never be perfect. and what you're feeling right now? it's normal. yes, it is normal. it's normal to just bury yourself in the depths of your mattress, feeling all poopy and depressed about yourself. it's normal too, to feel certain things suddenly, you are not always in control about what you feel at certain times because the causes of your feeling might not be from inside you, but rather - your environment, the people around you, and what you've gone through that day.

it's okay to feel bad and poopy and all the negative things.

we are human beings after all.

but like- PERFECTLY IMPERFECT human beings, you know what i mean?

i guess the solution to this problem is to be in peace with yourself. acknowledge what you're feeling and accept the fact that you feel terrible and horrible about yourself. feel it for a moment and ask it, "why are you here?" often the feelings come for a reason - mostly to protect you from getting hurt. if you're feeling self-conscious and unconfident with yourself, it's protecting you from getting hurt by other's remarks about you. the feeling is there to really- shield you from everything that can possibly wound you. so thank it, for being there- because it genuinely wants to protect you.

i hope in the future i can look back to this moment and realise, yeah... acknowledge the feelings and thank them for protecting myself. rest for a bit (it can be tiring fighting against yourself, for real.) and continue feeling the positive feelings too. one concept here that i'm still struggling to learn is that everything is not permanent. not everything i feel is going to stay forever, i might experience the best day of my life tomorrow, i might also cry myself to sleep the night after. all in all, it's what makes us human. and it's okay.

it is. okay.

if you're feeling this too, you're not alone, okay?

you don't gotta be always happy all the time.

so just let it out, feel the feelings and make amends with yourself.

you'll be happier, trust me. 

till then.

with love, nina.