love.

 

hello and salam. 

it has been A WHILE. a lot has happened in these 2 years (i want to pitch in the word "amazing", but truthfully, it wasn't quite as spectacular as i wished it to be). the year has just turned 2024 and through the motivation of a special person, i am moved to write about this particular topic.

so here i go, bismillah.

dearest nina,

    these past years have been a lot. i don't know where you are (or where you might be) but i know that you will look back and see how far you've come. from all of the things that have occurred these years, i, for one can deduce a recurring theme that, without fail, has always emerged, which is "love". hence today, we will be looking together through the memory lane, discussing what love is and is not for us-- to this point. maybe as you and i grow up, our definitions of love will change following the differences of stages we go through in life but all in all, we must start our journey somewhere... right?

    i think out of all love(s) that we have experienced, the most prominent love that we were able to "feel" is allah's love. sometimes overlooked, if i can glance through each and every difficulty that we were able to go through, i think to myself, "allah has been extremely kind to me, every step of the way". in the times i felt very suffocated and low, allah sent many people along my way to comfort me. every. single. time. whenever i feel like there's no way out, there are always signs to show me that there is. every time i feel like dying, it's always a surprise that i manage to go through day by day, looking back and being able to say, "wow... i did all that?" and for this, i thank you allah. for every strength, every care, every love that were bestowed upon me, i thank you for building my character, for injecting resillience in me and for showing me that everything is possible within Your power. alhamdulillah.

    i love, love, love platonically. all the friendships i have forged have taught me one very special lesson that i must hold on to, that i am not alone. for the times i have offered my hand, my ear, my attention, my time, my energy, my effort, there will always be the times i receive them back. maybe not in the same way, but they are there. some friendship bonds were created and strengthened, some were cut off and pushed away. i think the times i cut off precious bonds- those were the toughest times i have had in my life. i thought maybe if i cut them off, i have "given up" on love. maybe i was deprived of it, maybe it was an act of "un"loving them, that maybe i have stopped loving them as my close friends. as time progresses, i see that maybe... it is an act of loving myself. to give myself space, collect... me. that i must love myself more so that i can give more of my love to my friends. maybe.

    i also love my family. they mean the world to me. ayah and mummy taught me that as you grow older, your circle of people who are worthy of your love gets smaller, and that's okay! that means, the love that you spend on these people are truly the precious ones, that they are definitely worthy of every ounce of love that you will give them. abang taught me that love is boundless, eventhough what i think differs from others, i can still love them as how i love other people. danish and diniy taught me that love can be manifested in many ways, i.e. playing games together, cutting their hair, eating together, watching movies together, goofying around in public together. i am also allowed to be vulnerable with them, and they will accept me for who i am. not what i have to offer, but just me, a sister who loves them.

    next, romantic love. boy oh boy, it was a heck of a roller coaster. i have had many people showing interest, but only a few bold ones who dared to take the first step. frankly, this type of love has not been in my cards (or at least, i think that i don't put it as a priority in my life), but it comes when i least expect it. for 2 years, i was showered with this love, showing me in many ways how i can be appreciated and cared for. even then, i felt so very bad with myself. i was hesitant most of the time because i thought that i don't have what it takes to be loved. i thought i had to "earn" to be loved. i thought i was constantly a burden, that my demands were too big to be fulfilled and that i should just be grateful, nod and accept whatever comes in my way without questioning anything. maybe that's why i always get confused; i hold on to every bits of pieces of love i experience even if it hurts me.  

    

    love comes in many forms then. maybe i hold on to the difficult love(s) because i am scared. maybe i feel like difficult people should be loved. especially those who come into my life, there must be a reason, right? but as i go through life, i realised that maybe... it's not just me. it's not even my responsibility. i can only give my best and if it's too difficult, maybe it's time for me to let go. maybe if it's hurting me, burdening me, making me doubt and doubt and doubt, maybe it's time i take a step back to protect... me. for a while i thought, maybe i was not cut off for this love. as i was pondering that, another door opens, showing me how easy this love is. that there should not be doubt, that i can actually choose the love i let into my life. this is honestly, a fairly new territory for me to discover. i hope you, future nina, your way is eased and you can unlock the potential of this love you're experiencing, insya-Allah.

    most of all, love comes within me. even if else fails, that does not mean my capacity to love has become less. i have always had it within me, to love as selflessly as i can. maybe this self has worn out as it has been beaten, bullied and stomped on countless times, but the capacity to love is still there. like a worn out shirt, an old car, a damaged clock, maybe with proper rejuvenation and repair, they can still work. i can still love, if i take some time to myself, to pause and reflect. to choose, to lose, to have, to be, to embody. i cannot love others fully if i fail to love myself to the fullest. hence maybe, that's what i wish to do more this year; to love myself... better. i hope i can love myself more, insya-Allah.

    thank you for always trying your best to love me, future nina. i love you, in all the versions of you.

that was a long write, fuh. stay tuned for more writings in the future, insya-Allah!

till then.

with love, nina.

    

bounce back.

hello and salam. 

it's been a while since i've updated this blog. i was stuck in my semester 1 (i know- this is just the beginning of my long journey through university), i've been yearning to write about this, only now i feel like i have the energy to think and write. it was pressure, i admit, to carry on writing because i don't want to lose this momentum. however, i have to be honest with myself and write whenever i have time and feel like it, because at the end of the day, i will come back here and read again.

...and constantly be reminded of my old self that life, is not punishing.

life is learning from mistakes as well as cherishing experiences and moments.

at the end of semester 1, i got involved into watching tv shows (yep, not a good way to relieve your stress. you're constantly banging your head to the wall because of the drama and stress- why was i torturing myself...) i watched hell's kitchen : all-stars. if you don't like swearing, shouting, pettiness and staged frustration, this show is not for you. again, why was i torturing myself? 

not bad though, this is michelle and benjamin, two of the chefs competing in the show.

one thing i truly learn from watching this competition tv shows is you need to bounce back. i hear this phrase so many times uttered by chef gordon ramsay himself. whenever any of the chefs made mistakes in the kitchen, they would always try to bounce back - compensate for what they have done. no matter how severe the errors were, they would try to redeem themselves by learning from the slip-ups and being better in the next challenges. bouncing back is hard, let me tell you that. 

thankfully, we are all not in tv shows where everything is at stake and there's a time limit for every events in our lives.

...or are we?

bouncing back takes critical and creative thinking, not to mention resilience and adapting to change. imagine, you messed up in one of the responsibilities you had to carry, then in the next- totally different challenge, you have to adapt, do better and think fast to bounce back from your previous mistakes. it is difficult, definitely not for people who want to give up. you need to have confidence in yourself and hope that you will do better - nevertheless, you cannot be so sure on bouncing back every time you mess up. it is a gamble for sure, but every time you try, you're going to get all of the benefits insya-Allah.

i was called to write this post because of one particular incident that happened before i sat for the final semester examination, i had one of the most devastating moments- maybe not the worst but definitely it crushed my insides. i was always confident in myself, sometimes i felt guilty for feeling that i was better than the others, but the feelings just come, you know? for all of the subjects i took, thinking skill class was the hardest because it's purely based on the lecturer. actually on me as well, i'm not such a critical thinker and sometimes i don't think the same as the lecture. from many sections of marks i was supposed to keep track,

9 out of 20 marks was a brutal slap on the face.

i thought "ohmygod- I AM STUPID. I AM AN IDIOT."

it was what i was programmed to think, you see. after consulting my family and friends, then i realised: 1) the marks taught me to become more humble. i'm not as smart, as powerful, as strong, as brilliant as i think, i shouldn't think highly of myself. 2) the marks don't define me as well, numbers don't describe the degree of my worth, and i can do better insya-Allah. 3) it's not the end of my journey yet, i have some time to bounce back and improve, after all the up is the only way after going down.

a few days after, endured the final semester examinations and i thought to myself "it's not so bad after all." every hardship and downfalls are meant to teach us something, and we need a moment to ponder, look into it and comprehend it. i believe that all of the embarrassing things we used to do when we were little taught us many things today, and that is wonderful. 💓

 bouncing back.

tough but possible, insya-Allah.

i hope i can look back at these moments and think, i went through it. it's possible and i can do it again, insya-Allah. i just want to thank hell's kitchen for teaching me one of the fundamental values, to ot give up and prove my worth, constantly. to bounce back, and get up no matter how challenging it gets.

yeah, i think that's all i want to write today.

dear me, you can definitely do this. i have faith in you. 

till then.

with love, nina.

kisas : my journey as a pkb. (part 2)

hello and salam. 

friends-! thank you for your support for my lastest post, i appreciate you all very much :')

honestly, i felt unconfident, i suppose. it was a huge leap to really share my life experiences and what i've been through because i would write an entry in my blog and think, "welp, i don't really think anyone would read this" and leave it just- for me, i guess. but actually thinking back, i'm happy you actually read and give comments because that way, you are able to relate and understand what i'm conveying and i'll be able to receive comments, remarks and criticism for my writings (which is essential for my growth and improvement!) thank you so much, from the bottom of my heart <3

i'm planning to write a bit before continuing to study, alhamdulillah today my class starts at 4pm so i have some time to reflect and just contemplate on life. sit back and enjoy(?) hahahah i hope you are somewhat entertained and hopefully, you'll be able to take something and reminisce on your school days from these experiences too, insya-Allah...

my journey as a pkb...

[in the previous episode] i went to kisas for the first time and got elected as the pkb.

now, what's next, you may ask?

i always think of this as sort of like kifarah (or karma, in the english term). when i first went into kisas, there were a lot of things i criticised and i told my mom ALL ABOUT IT through the public phone. i remember vividly my mom once said, "[translated in english] you can change the school for the better, kakak. don't worry, it's always the system that messes up everything, so as a student you can have certain authorities to change that. there's a reason why you are there, kakak. so just be patient and be you." ahhhh i was like, "insya-Allah mummy, i'll try my best."

putting this here because this is a cute picture.

when this happens, it was like- shoot. the power of change is in my hands, what should i do now? what's the next step? i started to think of what i really want to change, there are a lot of things really. not saying that kisas is a bad school, on the contrary, it is one of the best schools i've ever been into (if i have the chance to say that every school i went to are the best schools i've encountered, i would want to shout it from the top of my lungs). of course there are always pros and cons to everything, so the same to kisas, i would like it to change for the better.

i would like to recall back what i did during this journey, so... hopefully this sums up everything. friends, do tell if i missed anything, i'll it add them up here!

so- like, what did i do?

first of all,

our batch's name is "sofwah mukhtarah" which translates to the chosen saf (succession).

i think it's beautiful hehe.

1-  COMMUNICATION. i've repeated this word a lot of times, until now actually, when it comes to leading. communication is very very important. so i think, what i did immediately after being elected as the pkb is rapid contemplation- "SHOOT. SHOOT. SHOOT. WHAT DO I DO NOW. WHAT DO I DO." then, i consulted the form 5's pkb, kak aqilah (their batch is called janahunnajah, translated from arabic as the wing of success). i asked her about how to handle meetings, what problems i might face and what i can do to improve in the future, it was a fruitful conversation indeed.

i consulted a lot of people actually. aside from kak aqilah, i also consulted kak bushra (the president hawa or the president of all the muslimats), kak abby (one of the most amazing and powerful stayers-students who stayed from form 4 until form 6, 4 years of studying in kisas, normally only 1.5/2 years), a lot of my seniors too, just hearing stories from the former batches, their perspectives and trying to learn about ways i can improve. i consulted some wardens and teachers as well- what i should incorporate in my batch and what the "old kisas" used to be.

we also have a special book where anybody from the batch can write anything, their concerns, suggestions and any remarks they want to give to the whole batch. in the batch meeting, i'd always save the last moments for anybody to speak up and it turned out, a lot of people wanted to say something from their behalf. i understand though, the comments were for the betterment of the batch, so a friend of mine- jannah suggested this idea and i was like- yeah okay! that's a really good idea. i don't know where the book is now though hahahahaha, if you're a kisas student and you found the book, yeah- that was ours hahahaahah hopefully the content is sort of beneficial.

outline for one of the meetings- i think it's so cute.

one of my 'before meeting' planning notes. keeping this here for memories... (click to enlarge)

fun fact ;

kisas was the new term given to the school. it used to be called as kolej malaya, then kik or kolej islam klang (the most famous- literally i go anywhere and say i'm from kik and the uncles and auties would say- "OHHH KIK why didn't you say that in the first place...."

2-  MEETINGS. i swear ever since i took this position, sleep is nowhere in my dictionary. i guess this is unnecessary but i'd always have meetings with my friends, discussing about what i could do better. sometimes not even about the batch, just listening to their problems, trying to become a shoulder for them. it is hard really to live your life in a boarding school, especially when it's your first time being away from your parents, but i believe that the strength comes within. we need to support each other to be able to survive, so yes, motivate and be together <3

3-  MAHABBAH TRACE. okay this one, don't get me started. i didn't know kisas came with this package so i'm going to spill all the tea, coffee, milo, orange juice, everything! okay so in kisas, there's a tradition where the form 4 students have to memorise every one of the students' names, old schools, where they live, classes and dorms. IT WAS A LOT, but they gave us time to do it, i think from february until before the trial spm examination started. however, the downside is that we had to spend a lot of time to memorise each other's names while also memorising our studies. which one is more crucial, you think? hence why, it was a struggle to really memorise everything all at one.

we would have countless meetings with the tjn (tjn- or tanzim jabatan nuqaba' is like a group of seniors who are in charge of the form 4 students). sometimes we would get scolded by them but no physical alhamdulillah no no no we don't tolerate physical abuse here. but yeah, it was sort of a hassle (i'm being transparent here okay, i'm so sorry). sometimes there are things i don't agree with when the meeting is conducted but i've learnt that everyone has their own views and we have to tolerate with everyone respectively to maintain harmony, consult them personally to really resolve the problem instead of causing chaos in the middle of the meeting, right? 

but at the end, we would recognise and learn about each other in our batch by heart which is a big plus from this programme. nobody is left behind, really.

i have a book dedicated to this- specifically to this programme.

and the saying there, "sesungguhnya pipit di bumi kami akan menjadi helang" translated to the pipits here on our earth will be transformed into majestic eagles (kinda funny listening it to english ahahaha) is very famous here in kisas. hopefully, we'll transform into beneficial eagles to the forest of society insya-Allah...

one of the layouts of my book, seriously i wrote a lot about everyone to ensure i memorise everything.

sometimes i fail to remember and i would feel bad. right now too- the memory seems to be fading away, but i can always go back to this book and refer back to everything. although this programme has its downs, its ups are very clear now after going through the journey, and i'm very grateful to be part of this programme. however, now i don't think it's being practised rigidly due to covid-19 and students having to do online classes so students are not able to do f2f programmes so much. so hopefully, through my writings you can feel the vibe of our times in kisas.

4-  COLLABORATION. one thing i'm most proud of is the collaboration of my batch and other batches. i cannot deny though, there were a lot of conflicts (of course in any school- always a lot of seniority issues). but alhamdulillah thankfully, it is quite subtle in kisas and over time i think our batch did a good job in being such loving seniors to the juniors. one of the most memorable programme we organised is called the "US programme" (not the united states of america but ukhty sayang programme) where the sisters from form 6 will have a few sisters from form 4, mainly because when we become form 5 students, we have to collaborate a lot with form 6 students, so i thought we should strengthen the bond between us. so we did, alhamdulillah, i think this programme went well and we got to collaborate well with the form 6 students the next year.

i think one of things i would recommend the batch after me to do, is to do a meeting with every leader from other organisations to allign everyone's view and perspectives towards things. that way- a lot more of collaborations can happen and the bond (especially between muslimin and muslimat) will get closer. we are not living in separate schools you know! one thing i really am sad about is that muslimin and muslimat are not really incorporating well, because we always misunderstood each other. of course, ikhtilat must be perservered accordingly, however we need to work together to create a wonderful biah (environment). i didn't have the opportunity to do this- so hopefully! somebody who reads this will get to do it, insya-Allah... 

5-  TOGETHERNESS. this one is my favourite one ever, being a pkb. aside from having "love and care" as the core of the batch, i get to see the wholesome-ness of my batch being together in a lot of occassions. although during form 4, we always get bullied a lot from hawra' day to teachers' day, a lot of injustice occurred (we'd always have to clean up although the mess is not ours, you know what i mean? because we're the juniors we had to do a lot of things- with the justification "you'll do these things to your juniors too." which i think will create more injustice towards the other batches other than ours. a bad tradition to carry in boarding schools, in my opinion, i'm afraid), kinda sad but it's okay, we struggled through the hard times. until now, alhamdulillah our bond is strong so i'm happy <3 truly.

do you remember the manifesto i gave in the beginning? yeah, we plant trees in our garden (not literally, though). more like concepts, i tried to inculcate good values in the batch and one of the trees i suggested us to plant is the "tree of love and care". show love to everyone regardless of status, to the aunties in the dining hall, to the aunties and uncles who clean, to the school staffs, to the teachers, to our peers, to the juniors and to the seniors, everyone! show kindness no matter how tired you are, show interest and curiosity towards everything you see. show care towards everyone, you'll feel better i assure you, because you are manifesting love to everyone and as a result, you radiate love in yourself.

also, another things is that especially in the girls' dormitory we have our official songs we sing together during meetings and we have a lot of selawat and qasidah (i'll elaborate on these in part 3), i'll put the lyrics below, if you know these songs, yeah you're a legend hahahahaah.

selamat datang

selamat datang kawan

ke dunia batu kaca

usah resah dan gelisa

kerna neonnya terpadam

jalan ini sibuk

siapa pun takkan berhenti

mobil silih berganti

sekalipun kau melintasi

ada asap hitam memedih (x3)

lagu ikhtilat (like literally hahahaha)

bermula di bumi waqafan

kita mula dikenalkan

"jaga ikhtilat, jaga, jaga ikhtilat"

sikit sikit kita merungut

kata susah nak buatlah

tapi sebenarnya

benda ni senang saja...

buat bentuk L bila jumpa

kasi barang guna benda

jaga pandangan, hati terjaga

cermin sini, cermin sana

babul liqa', ana enta

lekat di dinding

bila bertemu muslimin

moga biah kisas dapat kita pelihara

kata nak jadi zaujah solehah

moga-moga usaha kita

allah pandang, allah sayang,

syurga firdausi, destinasi kita akhirnya

dalam menjaga ikhtilat

jaga adab, jangan lupa

tapi jangan pula

dengan muslimin kisas sahaja...

puisi buat teman

di saat diriku

ketandusan kata-kata

kau datang menjelma

membawa cahaya

engkau memberi sinar

untukku teruskan

kehidupan yang penuh

dugaan cabaran

indahnya ukhuwah

tanpa terpalit rasa

sifat mazmumah

antara kita

kerdipan cahaya

akan ku kenang jasa

kenangan bersama antara kita

(x2)

di saat diriku (x3) hoi! (hahahaha seriously getaran dapat rasa sampai sini ya)

aspuri's favourite

stayers

ku hanya manusia biasa

yang bisa melakukan kesalahan

namun harus ku tabah demi

menghadapi cabaran di hadapanku

(chorus)

akan ku tinggalkan masa lalu

tenggelam seperti matahari

ku tidak akan pernah

menangisi pemergianmu

dan ku akan tetap berdiri teguh

demi mencapai impian yang satu

redha-Mu ya allah

mengiringiku ke syurga

dan ku akan sentiasa di jalan

yang telah ku pilih sentiasa di sini

oh teman...

(repeat chorus)

dan ku akan tetap berdiri teguh

demi mencapai impian yang satu

redha-Mu ya allah

mengiringiku ke syurga...

i think that sums up about the highlights of my time being a pkb in kisas. it was tiring for sure, but it was filled with wonderful memories and experiences i definitely don't want to forget. contact me if you want to know the songs' notes hahahahaah, they are my most favourite highlights being in kisas for sure. insya-Allah, after this maybe i'll write about my experiences becoming one of the badar committes in kisas, but i have to study first hahahaah. it's fun reminiscing these memories, really.

we'll meet again, insya-Allah <3

may allah ease your journey to study/work, cherish every moment okay!

till then. 

with love, nina.

kisas : my journey as a pkb. (part 1)

hello and salam. 

i feel like writing something today because i have some time to spend before i have a lot of exams and assignments to attend to. i have the motivation but then- i think, hahah what to write eh what to write. i asked amal (my friend), what to write and then she said,

"write on something you really don't want to forget."

that's really general, you see. i have a lot of memories i don't want to forget, especially right now. however, i looked back and i got sad- mainly because i've gone through a lot of experiences and it seems right now, i am gradually forgetting everything. besides going to university and experiencing a whole new life, i feel like my experiences at my former school contain the extremes of both happy and sad memories, maybe it triggered my fight-or-flight response to forget everything and start over, i also don't know. however, i wish i could remember vividly, hopefully by writing this entry. 

my journey as a pkb...

11th of February 2019, i had a lot of doubts the day prior. 

"am i doing the right thing?"

"i've never been to sekolah agama (religious school) before."

"what if i do this wrong?"

but then- no use to continue on doubting. my clothes were already packed as well as all the food and the essentials, i was preparing myself to go to war hahahah. it was my first time entering a boarding school, kinda cool but kinda nerve-wracking. i didn't feel so sad leaving home because i was used to go to camps and late staying-backs in my former school so all in all, i kinda was in boarding school already.

i was in jess (jalan empat secondary school) before i got the opportunity to go to kisas alias sasic (sultan alam shah islamic college). jess was an excellent school, don't get me wrong, but they only offer science stream when continuing the upper secondary school phase and if you know me, science is not my strongest pursuit (though i kinda messed up- i'm continuing to study in human sciences in university now- oops. i guess, my actual weakness was in the natural science field (?)). so i tried my luck to apply for kisas, and alhamdulillah i got it! it was really sad to leave my friends, seniors and teachers from the school i cherish so much, no doubt about it.

i am a sentimental person, i carried this box during my years in kisas, without fail... 

this box contains all of the letters i've received, from jess to kisas. they carried me through my worst days in kisas. I CHERISH THEM ALL, ya allah i swear :')

but like i honestly thought i cannot get into kisas. truthfully, i guess the stream i had enrolled myself into (agama ikhtisas, where you learn economy, accounts and basic science as your elective subjects) is not really favoured by both students and parents alike. people always think you need to enroll in pure science stream to be successful but i'd think that's not the case. it depends truly on your passion- if you are going towards becoming somebody professional in natural science fields, like becoming a doctor or engineer, then go ahead enroll in the pure science stream. but if you don't and you'd prefer to learn something else, i'd say agama ikhtisas or having economy and accounts as your elective subjects is the best bet. after all, a lot of my friends who enrolled in pure science end up studying about accounts and economy at the end of the day, so just continue your journey-- regardless how society deems of you.

to continue, i got into kisas in the morning that day, yay! i felt kinda silly because everyone has their luggage bags, i only have my ikea bags hahahaahah (according to my parents : function over fashion, it would be easier to carry these items in big ikea bags rather than worrying about your luggage bags being lost. and you can fold the ikea bags too - saving space right?) i first meet kak ainin, my college sister (or CS, the person who would accompany me to the dormitory and help me with the registration). then i met kak madiha, my senior from jess who moved to kisas - i was kinda shocked to be honest to see how the culture there is very very different from jess, how the girls communicate with the boys and maintain their ikhtilat (kak madiha called her male peers "muslimin" and she looked to the other way to avoid eye contact while talking to them). it was-- weird because i was not used to that.

anywho, i moved into my new bedroom - a big dorm title F21, registered, bid farewell to my parents and settled in. being an extrovert, i guess i got anxious being alone so i bribed my dormmates to become my friends HAHAHA it was so funny i swear-- i offered mint candies because i love mints! so i got some friends, i met iffatul who originated from kedah which was cool, i never thought i could meet with people from all around the world. and nashiheen being from sarawak, it was a whole new exposure for me. one advice i might add to boarding school first timers- write everything. i have a notebook dedicated to that, just writings about what my day looked like and what i was feeling at that time. looking back, it was a rollercoaster, sometimes i felt excited and looking forward to do everything, other times i feel like i was dying, not being able to continue. cherish every.single.thing.

this is during one of my parents' first visitations. (i miss that bottle, i lost it unfortunately...)

okay let's fast forward a bit.

1-  i knew then in the girls' dormitory there was a lot of weird rules. kak madiha said to be patient and follow them without question because there were always justifications to the rules established. (for example, we were not allowed to make any noise in the dining hall including the chairs, the plates- or else our house marks would be deducted). 

i did not let it bother me that much because as time went by i learnt that it's a sign of respect for everyone else who was eating, besides maintaining peace inside the dining hall. i think it's cool, because sometimes after class, you just want some peace and you go to the dining hall to relax and wind down.

2-  i learnt about the technicalities of becoming a part of a batch. usually in my former school, we differentiate students based on the colours of their name tags- no specific names for a batch. we usually call the students by what year they were enrolling in. but then in kisas, the batch spirit is what i see all the time. we have programmes at night sometimes with the whole school and i can see how close my seniors are with each other. i admire that so much- one of the pearls i found in kisas, there are always "jamaah" (groups of people with the same goal and mindset). 

3-  we went through mjk (minggu jalinan kasih), basically orientation week. it was really fun, filled with games and meeting new people - even people i was acquainted with, i get to know them better. i also spoke out (i felt like exploding HAHAHA), i talked in english in front of everyone and it was cool. then i auditioned and got picked to represent the school for wsc (world scholar's cup)- which was shocking because it was so fast. but alhamdulillah we got through it and got some medals.

alright now, the juicy part.

my whole form 4 journey is filled with the phrase "i didn't think i would..." because SERIOUSLY, i didn't think i would be chosen to become a pkb. what is a pkb? my friend- i learnt a lot of new jargon and terms when entering kisas and it was-- hoho. very overwhelming to grasp. so essentially, pkb is penolong ketua batch, in english "assistant batch leader", so kinda like the vice head of the batch. it was shocking really-- i didn't think i was capable to handle such a position. during mjk, they elected yasmin to become the temporary assistant batch leader, sort of. but then we had an election to choose somebody else to become the pkb. i had to give my manifesto.

first of all-- WHY MY FRIEND, DID YOU CALL OUT MY NAME? 

second-- i was not confident. originating from a not-so-religious school, i didn't think i would get the position because when i saw the other candidates, i immediately engraved the thought of never getting on par with them.

i don't remember much about my manifesto; but one thing i remember stating is :

"[translated in english] i believe that our biah (environment) is sort of similar to a garden and our tarbiyah (development) is like the trees inside it. i know we were constantly warned about our batch being the destroyer of the tarbiyah in kisas specifically, i strongly believe that instead of destroying our garden, we can work together to plant more colourful trees and make our garden prosper in the future insya-Allah. choose me and i'll try to lead as best as i can."

i thought- hm. that is what i would do if i become the pkb. okay let's put that behind us. until...

"alright, your pkb this year is amanina hussaini."

then i went blank. shoot- now what? what do i do? i- i- i- was joking guys. NNOO- there was no turning back at that moment. i had to accept it and just think about what i would execute later. being an overthinker, it was really difficult to cope with the fact you are the image of your batch. one wrong step would kill you and you're constantly walking on a mine field every single day. i am glad i have iffatul by my side as my deputy vice head or we call it here, tpkb (timbalan penolong ketua batch).

after that, i met with a lot of seniors discussing about what i should emphasise on when organising meetings with my batch. then a lot of complaints about my batch came in. a lot of problems to look into. a lot of people in my batch was targetted as "problematic students". initially, i didn't think they were that problematic but- i guess they have different standards in religious schools on how to behave and so on. i tried to not say anything and just keep them in view. sometimes, dakwah is made without words- sure some people are problematic, but i believe that people become problematic because of their environment and the people surrounding them. so i just accompany them, try to become their friends, a place they could confide in and just being there, really.

from that fateful day, i was the pkb.

weird.

i learnt a lot though, to be honest- and i don't regret it. i'd like to talk more about what i did as a pkb- but let's keep it for part 2.

till then.

with love, nina.

a conflict within.

 

hello and salam. 

i've been promising to myself, "okay nina, you're going to write something in this blog", but i guess, time happened and i got busy with the university admission and trying to be acquainted with the new environment of lessons and assignments. 

i guess, i'm just going to write here when i feel like it, if you don't mind.

these days, i've been feeling quite negative, which is not a really good emotion to dwell yourself on. you know that, "no matter what, i'm going to conquer today and nobody will stop me! *cue the evil laugh*" but then it begins to plummet. sort of like a ball being thrown in the air and then it quickly falls down to the floor. or like a rollercoaster, that funny feeling in your stomach when you're at the peak as you anticipate yourself falling down fast. yeah, that funny feeling. it doesn't translate well in real life, you get confused a lot and at the end, you feel angry at yourself for being confused (?)

honestly, i think one of the factors i've been feeling sucky is getting into university. though i can't deny it, going into university was definitely exciting. it was like going into a new, magical world. i keep on thinking, "finally, i get to learn about the things i'm passionate in, finally." but of course, not everything happy or cheerful or positive stays the same. everything in the world has its own downsides - as you would say, the balance of things must be maintained.

and in this sunken ship, i had a lot of conflicts with myself. it's like being separated into two personas, one extremely bubbly and good, and one feels like it's going to rip your head apart with its sarcasm and negativity. it's tiring really, to be in a continuous love-hate relationship with yourself, and at times, you don't know which side you are on. both are still, well- YOU.

have you ever felt guilty for feeling that you are better than everyone, but you don't want to feel this in the first place?

have you ever felt angry with yourself for feeling certain emotions, which you feel like it's inappropriate to feel at that time?

have you ever felt disappointed with yourself, over-reacting in situations that you supposedly should be composed and calm in?

have you ever felt sad, as to why you're here, overthinking about everything?

just to be transparent, i'm quite a perfectionist. sometimes, i care too much in certain situations that i shouldn't be caring about in this first place. most of the time, it's about me, but like- me being a piece of trash. i criticise myself too much, constantly feeling like i should've done better, i should be better, i should react better. although i spoke about this to my peers a lot, i fluctuate a lot too. sometimes i feel empowered,

YES YOU ARE RIGHT MADAME I CAN BE BETTER, LIFE IS A PROGRESS AND I SHOULD CHERISH EVERY MOMENT WHILE LEARNING FROM MY MISTAKES.

...2 seconds later, i'm in my black hole. again.

it's really tiring hahaha, really. if you feel like this, i just want to say that, it's normal. as you see from the sentence above, life is a progress, and well- progress can never be perfect. and what you're feeling right now? it's normal. yes, it is normal. it's normal to just bury yourself in the depths of your mattress, feeling all poopy and depressed about yourself. it's normal too, to feel certain things suddenly, you are not always in control about what you feel at certain times because the causes of your feeling might not be from inside you, but rather - your environment, the people around you, and what you've gone through that day.

it's okay to feel bad and poopy and all the negative things.

we are human beings after all.

but like- PERFECTLY IMPERFECT human beings, you know what i mean?

i guess the solution to this problem is to be in peace with yourself. acknowledge what you're feeling and accept the fact that you feel terrible and horrible about yourself. feel it for a moment and ask it, "why are you here?" often the feelings come for a reason - mostly to protect you from getting hurt. if you're feeling self-conscious and unconfident with yourself, it's protecting you from getting hurt by other's remarks about you. the feeling is there to really- shield you from everything that can possibly wound you. so thank it, for being there- because it genuinely wants to protect you.

i hope in the future i can look back to this moment and realise, yeah... acknowledge the feelings and thank them for protecting myself. rest for a bit (it can be tiring fighting against yourself, for real.) and continue feeling the positive feelings too. one concept here that i'm still struggling to learn is that everything is not permanent. not everything i feel is going to stay forever, i might experience the best day of my life tomorrow, i might also cry myself to sleep the night after. all in all, it's what makes us human. and it's okay.

it is. okay.

if you're feeling this too, you're not alone, okay?

you don't gotta be always happy all the time.

so just let it out, feel the feelings and make amends with yourself.

you'll be happier, trust me. 

till then.

with love, nina.

the second beginning.

 

hello and salam, once again. 

i kid you not, i've been meaning to do this for so long, but i keep on procrastinating and postponing... alhamdulillah i've collected some strength to finally, start writing something, which takes us to where we are now. before i continue to ramble further, let's start again, shall we?

hello everyone, nice meeting all of you.

hello again. to my acquaintances, welcome back! i'm surprised you have come this far (if you are an avid reader of mine, do drop some comments down below, or contact me!) thank you so much for following my blogging journey. i'm sorry too, you had to witness the growing part of me, the undeveloped, experimental, awkward side of my life. here's to more experiments and failures on the upcoming years!

to my new friends and readers, welcome! let's embark on this journey together, it's going to be a bit bumpy and jolty though hahahahaha, mind you. i still am new in this 'adult' world, i guess, so please, i need all the knowledge, skills, assistance, advice and consultation necessary, drop them in the comments, insya-Allah i'll try to be in contact as well ehe. people say our 20s (adolescence era) are the most inconsistent chapters of our lives, but hey, change is the only constant in this world. bring forth the changes, they take us closer to where we aspire to be, insya-Allah hopefully...

i will not consider myself as a writer, rather i tell stories, i guess. my whole life, these 18 years have been hectic, surprising, devastating, ecstatic and they keep on going, hopefully more to come. i found out that the definition of life changes every year, hence i would like to record all the pages in my life, if not with my eyes, then with words. i'm not sure yet if i can be consistent, if i'm determined to be disciplined, but i will sure try my best! yes, i will! (hyping up myself to keep on going, please nina, keep your words)

this blog needs refurbishing, will get to that. it might take some time, blogger now has different templates to play with and it's giving my overthinking-self a hard time because of the lacking flexibility to alter the features inside this blog. don't fret, i'm sure things are possible. the question is, "how far will i stretch myself to customise this domain?" i guess the answer will arrive in the next few weeks (?) maybe months (?) maybe years (?) who knows...

so, yeah, welcome.

do make yourself feel at home.

i will try to update as frequent, no official schedule yet. let's say consistency : whenever i feel like it. it's my blog, i can do anything- right? ...right. i'll try my best, definitely. oh- one last thing, if you want to visit my old blog (why would you go there, gosh!), if you really want to, err- click here if you really do. umm- that's my 10-year-old self speaking, forgive her words and thinking (hahahahah ohno). without further ado, to more adventures and stories!

bismillah.

with love, nina.